Thursday, December 3, 2009

Note to Self 2

Dear self,

After the numerous jobs that you have been seemingly unceremoniously rejected for, I have decided that you need to do the following:

1. Lie about your age.  For some reason most of the finance/payroll/administrative positions that are available are targeted towards "older women".  From now on, your name is Margaret and you're 47.

2. Dumb yourself down.  Most interviewers don't seem to understand words with more than three syllables.  Plus, you can do a lot of things.  Cut that amount in half at least.  You don't want to give them an inferiority complex or make them feel like you're out to get their job.  You and I can keep the fact that we're smarter than 90% 95% 97.8% of the world's population our little secret.

3. Create a fake resume.  You'll need one of these when you inevitably go to apply at McDonald's since you don't have any food service experience.  Make up a fast food company from Alberta that sadly went under during the whole Mad Cow Disease fiasco or something.  If you make it sound like the Mad Cow Disease tragically killed every one of your coworkers on your day off, they probably won't hassle you for references.

4. Get off the computer and go make dinner.  You're a housewife.  That's your job now.

I hope this helps in your job search.


p.s. Seriously consider number 3.  You could go to Hamburger University.  Who wouldn't want to do that?

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