Note to Self 2

Dear self,

After the numerous jobs that you have been seemingly unceremoniously rejected for, I have decided that you need to do the following:

1. Lie about your age.  For some reason most of the finance/payroll/administrative positions that are available are targeted towards "older women".  From now on, your name is Margaret and you're 47.

2. Dumb yourself down.  Most interviewers don't seem to understand words with more than three syllables.  Plus, you can do a lot of things.  Cut that amount in half at least.  You don't want to give them an inferiority complex or make them feel like you're out to get their job.  You and I can keep the fact that we're smarter than 90% 95% 97.8% of the world's population our little secret.

3. Create a fake resume.  You'll need one of these when you inevitably go to apply at McDonald's since you don't have any food service experience.  Make up a fast food company from Alberta that sadly went under during the whole Mad Cow Disease fiasco or something.  If you make it sound like the Mad Cow Disease tragically killed every one of your coworkers on your day off, they probably won't hassle you for references.

4. Get off the computer and go make dinner.  You're a housewife.  That's your job now.

I hope this helps in your job search.

Love,

Robynn

p.s. Seriously consider number 3.  You could go to Hamburger University.  Who wouldn't want to do that?

Dear employment-controlling forces (again),

(Please please please please please please please)² let my job interview go smoothly tomorrow.  Seriously - I NEED this.  I wouldn't be making such a huge deal out of it if I didn't.  I also WANT it really badly too.  So do a girl a favor and let it work out, would you?  Please?

Love,

Robynn

p.s.  Let me know if my uterus would be an acceptable sacrifice.  I totally don't need mine.  It's stubborn, belligerent, and completely uncooperative, but I'm sure it could be better allocated to someone who actually wants one.

Dear Universe,

Thanks for listening! I got an email today for an interview at the job I really, really want! Unemployment sucks. You were probably withholding jobs from me for a long time because I had some serious payback to deal with. I guess I understand that. I did spend a lot of time horribly embittered with you after I lost my last job (along with roughly 100 other people.) Most of them have managed to find gainful employment since, but they probably didn't ride your ass as hard as I did, universe. So for what it's worth, I'm sorry. For now, I'm going to take this interview as a sign that perhaps you're not so sore with me anymore.

Love,

Robynn

p.s. If you actually GET me the job, I'll reconsider trying to find you a pony. Pony shortage or not, you'll deserve it. Maybe a little one like this:

That's actually not a pony, though. It's a miniature horse. But he's really cute! You'll also have to wait for a little while after you get me the job, because I'll have to save up some money.  Just so you know.  Actually, now that I think about it, you probably don't even want a pony.  You're the universe.  Let's face it - you can have all the ponies you want.  Let's talk terms and maybe I can do something else to appease you.  It'd be awesome if me buying a really nice handbag would make you happy.  Let me know if that works for you.

R