Monday, November 23, 2009

Dear Shopping Mall Santa from 1978,

I was digging through old photos yesterday to find a picture of my Grandpa, and I came across your photo. I started to wonder what happened to you. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who does this. (Not wonder about you specifically, but wonder about random miscellaneous people from my past.) Where are you now, o Shopping Mall Santa of 1978?

I’m going to put this as bluntly as possible – you look like a festive serial killer. I’m sure you’re most likely not a serial killer and I understand that’s kind of a horrible judgment for me to make based on your aesthetics alone in a 31-year-old photo, but you have that look in your eyes. (Not to mention the fact that not all legitimate serial killers look like what us commonplace non-murderin’ folk assume serial killers look like. Ted Bundy, for instance. He was totally dateable if it wasn’t for the unfortunate side effect of being bludgeoned or strangled to death.) But anyhow, let’s talk about “that look” for a moment, shall we?

I understand that look. It’s not because I’m a serial killer. I’ve never really considered being a serial killer as something that would be a viable career opportunity for someone like me. The hours aren’t so good, there’s a lot of overtime with all that cleanup, and I’m pretty sure you’d probably need to provide your own vehicle and I don’t have one. No, I understand that look because I spent a few too many years of my life working in retail.

Working in retail (and a lot of other service industries) during the holiday season is always murder (yeah, yeah, I crack me up), and you, my friend, are essentially the man of the hour every hour for the entire bloody month of December. That and you have to deal with a crapload of toddlers. I can't speak for you, but I know that always sends me straight to the baggage compartment of the crazy train.  I’m sure your look isn’t homicidal, or at least not manifestly so. And I’m sure it isn’t manifestly homicidal because I’ve had that exact look before and have somehow managed to remain relatively manslaughter-free.  No… wait… completely. Completely manslaughter-free.

In any case, I wonder what ever happened to you, Shopping Mall Santa. I’m sure by the whole six degrees of separation concept someone who knows someone I know has to know someone who knows you. If any of those people happen to read this blog, have them send me an update. I assume you’re still a man, you may or may not live in the Edmonton area, and you’re probably somewhere in your 50s. Hopefully you didn’t end up being a Shopping Mall Santa every year up until now – if that’s the case I’ll have to retract the statement that I’m sure you’re most likely not a serial killer.


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